Foot Fetish

I made a very groundbreaking discovery today:  I don't hate soccer!

(For the rest of this post, 'soccer' will be referred to as 'football'... the actual name of the sport.)

I have tried to watch football on television before but I have trouble fully respecting a sport where falling down and pretending to be hurt is considered good strategy.  I also find it to be incredibly long and uneventful.  In terms of unbearable experiences watching a football match on TV would rank somewhere between paper-cutting the corners of my mouth and sticking a birthday cake sparkler up my urethra (while lit).

Canadian stand-up comedian Tim Steeves has a great bit in which he impersonates an English football commentator: "Desperation is setting in.  Only a glimmer of hope remains.  Down by a goal with only... 4 hours remaining." Ha ha ha..... oh, Tim.

Here in the United Kingdom, football is ALL over the telly.  I can't seem to escape it.  It stalks me with the inhuman determination of a 1980's slasher-movie killer.  Football is Michael Myers, I am Laurie Strode.  Football is Jason, I am an 18-year-old girl about to give up my virginity at summer camp.  Today, I'm going to have to face my fears because I've been invited to attend my first ever live football match.  Aled is taking me to Liberty Stadium to see the hometown Swansea City Swans take on the Wolfhampton Wanderers (Great Britain sure loves athletic alliteration, apparently).

The day begins just like a scene from one of those horror movies.  It's mid-afternoon but the sky is as dark as night.  It's raining hard and fast with drops the size of chocolate Kisses.  Winds are so strong the Hershey's candy-sized precipitation is not so much dropping on me as flying at me.  I'm outside the stadium.  I'm alone.  Aled is late (or dead, if football really is a killer).  I take cover in a doorway and watch dozens of Swans supporters scramble to find a refuge of their own.  Most are desperately trying to control their umbrellas but most umbrellas have been turned inside out by the violent gale.

Aled finally arrives.  "You're alive!!" I shout as I wrap my arms around him.  He finds this to be a rather unusual greeting (I don't blame him) and we awkwardly break the hug with a few manly pats on the back.  He hands me my season-ticket holder lanyard and we enter the stadium.  Liberty is an impressive bowl.  Today it is filled with 15,000 Swansea faithful wearing the black and white.  And 2,500 Wolfhampton fans in their own designated section.  That's right, North American sports fans; the away team sits in their own section, segregated from the home team... with massive police presence surrounding them.  Over 100 heddlu (that's Welsh for police) stand between the Swansea Jacks (that's slang for Swansea fans) and the Wolfhampton supporters (that's pretty straightforward).  This seems a little extreme to me, but it doesn't take long to see why it's necessary.  Despite the number of Swansea's finest on hand, these hooligans can't help but try to get at each other.  Several get ejected before the game even begins.  This is great!  If the game is as boring as I'm expecting, I can look to the hooligans for entertainment.

The starting lineups are introduced, followed by kickoff.  A quick turnover and the Swans are on the attack.  Charging into the offensive zone, a fancy passing play ends with Jordi Gomez firing a low shot right into the back of the netting.  GOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!  25 seconds into the game!  About 10 minutes later the Wolves respond with a goal causing their section of the crowd to lose their damn minds and then spend the next 5 minutes shouting obscenities towards the Swansea fans as if they've just won the game.  I don't understand why they're being so arrogant.  In North America, 1-1 is a tie and I believe that's a pretty common definition in the sporting world.

I have to admit, it's a pretty exciting game.  Even in the unforgiving rain the players are demonstrating lots of skill and more grit than I was expecting.  There is some questionable officiating (which sadly, can be found in any sport) and some terrible overacting by players on the ground (which I still think is embarrassing), but all in all it's a good contest.  Best of all, Swans striker Jason Scotland nets two fantastic goals and leads Swansea to a 3-1 victory.  Yay!

Now, I'm not exactly ready for membership in the Jacks Army but maybe football isn't so bad after all.